I ask questions,
You never lie.
Why’re we here?
All must die.
This small couplet just came to my mind one day and the more I thought about it the deeper it seemed. Especially for someone who loves morbidity as much as I do. Once things become clearer after a bit more thought, this blog entry will be completed.
As I was getting ready to write the CAT I realized that I had lost my bike keys. Rather than going back outside the centre and searching for them, I decided to go ahead and give the exam and leave things to sort themselves out as time was short. It was later, as I stared at a blank screen and a counter showing 1:00:48 counting down to the start of the test, that the full extent of my horrible miscalculation dawned on me. I couldn’t help thinking I could’ve done something different like maybe going and searching for the keys the minute I realized they were gone, although that would’ve meant leaving my place in the queue and going all the way back outside the main gate and hunting for them while the precious (they seemed at that time) seconds ticked away. I couldn’t help thinking that I would have definitely found the keys if I had gone and searched for them at that time, and now, by the time the test finished in 3 hours, someone would’ve taken them and gone. In fact if they found the keys on the ground close to my bike, they might even have decided to steal it. I realized that to calm myself down and attempt the exam in the right spirit I needed to list down all the possible situations I could find myself in after the exam and the various courses of action I would take in each case. I made a flowchart out of it and that helped calm me down. The branches split depending on whether or not the keys were recoverable or not. And if not, then whether the bike was stolen or not.
I made the flowchart on the paper given to me for rough work by the exam invigilators. However one of the guidelines was that I wasn’t supposed to write anything on the paper before the test started. When one of the invigilators saw that I had written something on the paper he swooped down on me like an eagle on its prey (going by his appearance I’d say he wasn’t a very good looking eagle either) and informed me that not only had I been cheating, I was fully aware that I was. Apparently I was the welcome break from his monotonous existence. I showed him the flowchart and explained the situation to him and he reluctantly agreed that what I had written had no relation whatsoever with the CAT exam which by the way wasn’t starting for another half an hour. He told me rather uncertainly that this was my last chance.. although I didn’t know what he meant by that and was willing to bet on the fact that he didn’t either. I resisted the temptation to ask him if it was one of those ‘first and last chance’ deals and if not, then wasn’t I entitled to another chance as this had been my first.
Anyway, we left each other alone till almost the end of the test. I had finished my test and was waiting for everyone to finish theirs because of the dumb rule that no student would be allowed to leave before all in the room had finished their tests. I wanted to leave the room badly as I was eager to start searching for my keys before the whole parking lot got crowded. Also, the light was fading quickly as the evening wore on. After finishing my test I was looking at the screen of the guy in front of me who was still writing the test and hadn’t completed it yet. Again the invigilator swooped. There was apparently another rule that no student would be allowed to look even roughly in the direction of another student’s screen as this would prove beyond doubt that he had been unscrupulously copying the answers with no regard whatsoever for the rules and regulations carefully handcrafted with hours of painstaking effort by the CAT God. The invigilator, who by his deeply lined face and permanent expression of disgust resembled a man who has been in contact with college students long enough to have become embittered, utterly without compassion and nursing a deep hatred of all young people, came over to my desk with his face contorted into a sickly leer of what I could only imagine to be some sort of triumph. He told me I had been caught, despite my best efforts (haha) at surreptitiousness as he had unquestionably seen me looking over at another student’s screen. I replied that I had indeed been looking at the other’s screen and just as the invigilator was about to commence his victory dance, he noticed that my test was over, my answers had been submitted and ‘locked’. So it couldn’t have been an intent to copy which made me look at the other student’s screen. I told him it was done merely in impatience as I wanted to get out of the place immediately, the reasons being split between going and searching for my bike keys and ending my association with this invigilator. The invigilator slunk away muttering threats and I could faintly make out the words ‘If anything happens in the next 5 minutes….’
Well, that’s where the funny ends, but thankfully I did get my bike keys back – a dhaba owner had seen it fall out of my pocket and kindly kept it for me. Sometimes things do work out. That’s life for you!
The curfew tolls the knell of parting day,
The lowing herd wind slowly o’er the lea,
The ploughman homeward plods his weary way,
And leaves the world to darkness and to me.
- Thomas Gray, Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard.
Thus begins one of the greatest poems I have had the good fortune to read.The subject of darkness has fascinated me ever since I can remember. My attitude towards darkness has changed many times from my childhood to now. I think everyone is scared of the dark when they are small. It is natural to fear something that is difficult to understand. Darkness cuts off your vision, something that people depend on the most. There are also thoughts of monsters and fantasies that I associated with darkness as I was growing up. I was terrified of the unknown dangers lurking beyond reach, that were waiting to swallow me into the blackness as I entered it. Night was a time I sought to be in the light, making excuses whenever i was asked to leave it for whatever reason.
Then came the time when i would consciously try to fight my fear of darkness. I was afraid, but I used to openly challenge the monsters in my boldest tone, puffing up my body to its largest size, daring that which was unseen to come out and fight me. These challenges remained unanswered much to my relief, but did nothing to ease the tension. Were they just toying with me? Laughing at my rather naive attempts at bravado? Or were they waiting to launch an all out attack when I least expected it? These questions were part of my life growing up. Be it from under the bed, or from an unlit room, darkness seemed to be inviting me, drawing me closer to itself, as my thoughts focussed on it.
Gradually, when nothing ever happened, my fear dropped from me. My attitude towards darkness changed and over the past few years I have come to welcome darkness into my life. It is almost as if the unseen monsters have welcomed me into their fold, and I am now one of them, waiting for the next innocent who hesitatingly takes a few steps into my world.
Life is a funny thing. As you experience more and more of it, you keep changing, adapting, and learning. My attitude toward darkness has changed in much the same way. A few days ago, the only bulb in my hostel room stopped working. I initially thought of replacing it, but then I let that idea lie for some time. Since then, whenever the light fades, I am left in my world, in unending darkness, the occasional light filtering into the room via a crack in the door, or from the window. Unending darkness is a rather loose term, because its not that its unending, its just that you cannot see the end and so make the darkness into something bigger than it actually is. In darkness, you cannot see anything but black. This can be pretty dreary after a period if you were expecting it to be similar to a visit to The Louvre, but it is the best setting for the mental museum to run riot. Memories come and go. Past incidents that have left their mark on the hard rock beneath the shifting sands of the mind.
Can anything be clearer than darkness? Only pure nothingness can be clearer, but darkness is about as close as we can get. Darkness is a major stress reliever, because you have nothing to look at on the outside, so you look inside yourself. People often close their eyes for a short time during stressful periods. They crave a small amount of darkness in order to ease their stress, and closing one’s eyes provides it. This darkness, in larger quantities is what many people fear. They do not fear the darkness that results in the closing of one’s eyes as they are still in control. Should a monster suddenly appear, light can be immediately restored. When entering darkness, such simple methods cannot be used, and some of that control is wrested from your hands. Of course, ultimately, the sun will shine again. I think of those people who are born blind, or have been blinded permanently in an an accident. These are our true heroes because they have come to accept something that many of us find unimaginable. Total darkness.
Being blind is probably my greatest fear and will always be (till I get to know of worse). To accept darkness is something I find unfathomable. I will have to experience it to know it, and I cannot even hope to understand the pain that a blind person feels. Not physical pain. Rather, the pain of not being able to experience what others are experiencing. The pain of not being able to see the beauty of a flower while being struck with its fragrance. The pain of having to cope in a world works on the principles of sight. The pain of never seeing a loved one while listening to their voice. The pain of having to feel a person’s face and fantasize about how they look. The pain of being surrounded by people who are able to experience more than you can. The pain of being constantly dependent on others. This is just the tip of the iceberg. And I acknowledge the blind as true heroes because they have learned to conquer something that many of us find hard to accept. If not conquest, then at least acceptance.
I love to go for long walks at night in near complete darkness. I can’t see much of the road ahead, but there is a stillness in the air which is constantly felt. I see lights, far away, and I think of the next day, the next occurrence of light, and the new challenges, highs and lows it will bring, and I enjoy the darkness for this brief period while it lasts. I enjoy the happiness of the moment. The happiness that a day gone by brings. The nest day will bring challenges, but this is my moment. So, without a care in the world, milking the situation for all its worth, I continue my walk.
Well, this is the first post that I’ve started without having anything definite planned. In fact, that is the very reason for this post. When you work for a very long time, almost non-stop, foregoing everything including sleep and food, and then the work finishes about four hours ahead of time, you get bored very easily. The initial feeling of relief is soon gone and you begin to realise just how much of your mind has been focussed on getting the job done. It begins to feel like the atmosphere is getting thinner and the breath is being sucked out of you. A vague sense of unrest begins to grow, interspersed with moments of extreme tiredness.
You begin to realise that this work, which you may have initially hated to do, has now become your comfort zone. It is your bubble, that separates you from the world. You can put off stuff to be done because ‘there’s work that needs to be completed’. How many things in life operate in the same way? Quite a few apparently.
It is very easy to get caught up in something. Initially, you struggle and try to break away. You are dis-satisfied and want to change things. Then the stagnation fills up in you, converting you into someone else, and finally binding you to itself. The beauty of this arrangement is that you don’t even know where you’re at.
This very life itself is an example. Look at children smiling and laughing. Why don’t adults smile and laugh in the same way that children do? Well, many of us seem to call this apparent seriousness ‘mental development’. We strive to appear ‘normal’ at all times lest the other ‘normal’ people see us in a lesser light. We always follow strict rules in society and religion without even knowing why we follow them. We treat everything as a task that must be completed rather than an experience that must be felt.
The way to beat stagnation in life is to do things just for the heck of it. Do crazy things, things that you would normally never do. Keep promises to yourself, and keep changing the little things, even if the big things cannot be changed fast. Without sounding too pompous, it can safely be aid that there is much more to this topic than I have discovered so far. We can only wait for knowledge to hit us as far as this is concerned.
What is sadness?
Its pretty odd really. Each person will have his own interpretations, and memories on which they are based. For me, sadness has been the last 4 months, ever since something happened which has changed me forever.
What happens, when you love a certain person to death, and you know that the person is in enormous pain. There is nothing you can do for him because the suffering is not something you can know or have known before. It is not physical in the sense that you know it. It is not mental in the sense that you know it. It is continuous and cannot be eased. There are no breaks. This is his life. You know that death is the only release from that kind of suffering, and that too is uncertain. Still, you run around trying to do things which you think will ease the pain, or you go about trying to find cures, all to his continuing exasperation. But he understands your predicament totally, and smiles your worries away. This person has always been larger than life, and has made your life happier at every point. His ability to withstand pain is great, and he rarely lets it show. Yet you can see him deteriorating and weakening as there is no improvement in his situation. Years of continuos suffering are taking their toll. His fight becomes more visible as he gets weaker, and you see him repeatedly trying to rise after each blow dealt. What are you supposed to feel when one day, this person decides that he has had enough, and leaves?
That, in my mind is sadness.
As this is my first post in blogdom, I will take my mind back to the 26th of January 2007, and relate the strange things that happened that evening.
It was a special day for me, as it should be for all Indians, being India’s Republic Day. The day started normally enough. Saw the parade but skipped the cultural function they usually have after that. Somehow, I don’t like to see small kids doing aerobics, synchronized to drumbeats, in front of a crowd, after being ‘posed’ by their teachers.
Well anyway, it was the afternoon of the 26th that things started to get interesting. While I was on my way downstairs from my hostel room, heading in the general direction of food, a strange feeling overcame me. I walked straight past the canteen, which was a feat considering the meal I had missed just a few hours before.It was as if my legs were following a new master. They took me past the canteen, through the hostel entrance, and around a bend. That was when I came in sight of the setting Sun in all its glory.
When the Sun sets, especially in Guwahati, life stands still. I catch my breath in admiration at the sight of the the lilac clouds that surround the Sun as it leaves this world, to continue on its journey to more distant lands till it returns the next day. As it goes, it leaves behind a few rays. These stragglers dance around with the clouds, creating wonderful patterns in the sky making it rich with colour, echoing the wonderful harmony of life itself. Although poets come close, some sights cannot be described by man, and this is one of them.
So, as I rounded the bend, I saw the wonderful sight I have just tried to describe. Suddenly, everything seemed to automatically fall into place. I walked on in a daze, my eyes staring into the distance, at the Sun, God of all things, as it sunk lower and lower. I hardly knew where I was. I walked on, and on… Time seemed to stand still. Life seemed to be one endless walk, with no beginning or end. One walk of endless bliss…
Then suddenly, the Sun sank below the horizon completely. I almost staggered, feeling a little sick. On looking around, I realised with wonder how far I had traveled from the hostel without knowing it. I took a last look at the sky and then turned back. It was a good twenty minutes before I got back to the hostel, and all the while marvelling at the experience I had just had. It had certainly been out of this world, in the true sense of the meaning. In retrospect, it seemed pretty stupid. It was like ‘some dumb guy followed the sun because he had nothing else to do’. Now I’m not exactly a religious person. Other people are entitled to their own opinions, which again, need not necessarily be wrong. But I think, in those twenty-odd minutes something special happened.
